Issues, whether political, medical, or religious, can divide people. Rather than having productive interactions with one another about these topics, sometimes we find ourselves engaging in disagreeable, perhaps even toxic, communication. Is it possible to disagree without being disagreeable? Try these suggestions:
Start off on the right foot. When a volatile topic is to be discussed, begin the exchange by identifying points on which both sides agree. Even if these items are minor, they provide a shared foundation allowing initial communication to be civil.
Don’t make exchanges personal. Keep the focus of the conversation on the issue, not the other person. Do not make the dialogue a personal attack. Be clear the disagreement is about a subject. Discussion of an idea involves thinking, a rational and logical step. Name calling and belittling an individual with an opposing point of view gives rise to negative emotions which inevitably make the tone disagreeable.
Listen to what the other person is saying. The goal of a discussion, whether verbal or in writing over social media, is to exchange ideas. A speaker wants whomever he is addressing to hear what he is saying. If the listener is willing to respectfully listen to the speaker’s point of view and consider what is said, the conversation can continue in a civil tone. And listening means sincerely paying attention. It does not mean eye-rolling or headshaking while the other person is talking.
Don’t interrupt. Interruptions are rude and do nothing but cause the speaker to be annoyed or even angry. Give the speaker the chance to say his piece. Not allowing her to do so is a guaranteed way to make the interaction become disagreeable.
Remain calm. Emotions often run high when contentious issues are addressed. To make the best presentation of a specific point of view, the speaker should come from a controlled and logical perspective. Take a moment to think before responding; giving emotions a brief opportunity to settle increases the chances of a civil conversation.
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Watch the tone you are using to express your point of view. If talking, do not raise your voice or use a condescending or angry tone. Do not spew comments such as “You’re wrong.” A better response is to calmly say, “I understand what you are saying, but I disagree because….”
Remember the goal. The goal of a conversation with an individual with an opposing viewpoint is to make a persuasive argument as to why you think your position is correct. A familiar proverb states that more flies are attracted with honey than with vinegar. This advice is particularly true in exchanges about a contentious issue. Being disagreeable, discourteous, and emotional is the equivalent of offering vinegar. Speaking in a civil, thoughtful, and well-considered manner is the better choice.
