There is an old wise saying that goes something like this: “You should love your family, but that doesn’t mean you have to like them”. Sometimes, a relationship with a member of your own family can be just as toxic as any relationship you might have experienced at work or in your social circle.
Psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, also known as the savvy psychologist, shares a few options to distance yourself from a toxic person in your family:
Get clarity. With toxic family members, we are often blinded to reality. Sometimes we’re blinded by optimism, but sometimes we’re blinded to the reality of the situation by resentment. We ignore their efforts to reach out because we think they’re being manipulative or aren’t capable of change. Start by trying to see things as they really are. A helpful way to do this is to make a big list. On one side, write down the good times—those times you’ve felt supported by them, or they came through for you. On the other side, write out the bad times—the times they hurt you, or ignored you when you needed help. Look at both frequency and magnitude. Seeing your interactions in black and white can help you determine whether your relationship deserves to be thrown a life preserver or is essentially dead in the water.
Test out new rules of engagement. A toxic family member is like a forest fire—they need to be contained by drawing some lines. There are lots of ways to contain how you interact with them:
You can set limits on the size of the group, duration of contact, location, and more. For example, you can decide you’re willing to visit but only if you stay in a hotel. Perhaps you’ll only see them at big events like weddings or funerals, not intimate gatherings. Maybe you’re willing to see them when they’re less likely to be drinking, like kids’ birthday parties or brunch. Maybe texts and emails are fine, but not long, draining, one-sided phone calls. Perhaps you’ll see them for a meal, but nothing longer.
